John Nash

I was contemplating my hero, John Nash, today. I have been in Santa Barbara, California, for over a week now. The trip started out with work and ended with a mini-vacation…long overdue. I had one whole half-day free to do anything I wanted to do – everything I wanted to do. I strolled along the wharf, shopped on State Street, convinced the world’s most photogenic birds (seagulls of course) to pose for me, went wine tasting, and just generally had quite the action-packed day!

So imagine my consternation when I began to realize I was being triggered by the seemingly endless supply of toned, tanned, decades-younger blonde beach-goers all around me. I guess I’ve been too busy with work this week to really notice them until today.

So I applied a ‘Nash-ism’ to once again set my course firmly upon enjoying this RARE vacation opportunity. When asked how he resisted re-engaging with the voices in his head that continually arise as a lingering reminder of his thirty-year battle with schizophrenia, Nash said, “I refuse to indulge my mind’s love for patterns.”

I, too, refused to indulge. I bought some wonderful new summer clothes and jewelry, had a strawberry smoothie, walked on the beach with the sand between my toes, stopped at a wine bar and, after sampling the varietals, ordered a lovely cheese and tomato sandwich for a take-out dinner. Then I returned to my hotel room and ate it while looking out at the setting sun. As I slowly made my way back, I smiled at every person I saw – I forced my mind, myself, to look PAST the reflection my eyes perceived, straight through to their innate humanity.

And I forced my eyes to see ME – to see me in the midst of all this, utterly unique, appreciated by absolute strangers for her warm, GENUINE smile and her ability to embrace the joy of such a pristine summer day.

This is today’s ‘day in the life’ of recovery from anorexia and bulimia. It was wonderful at times, really tough at times, and ultimately another day I would not have had, if I had let my ED even for a minute gain the upper hand. 

Recovery. It IS worth it.

~ by smcutts on June 30, 2008.